End of 1 Timothy

I finished the sermon series on 1 Timothy today. That was a great book. Gosh, I have notes written all over my Bible, reminding me that I will need to go back numerous times to refresh my memory and pray through this book again and again. I don't think I've actually critically read this book all the way through before, so it kind of feels good. Like I accomplished something. But then I realize I got to put this stuff into practice and wrestle with it my whole life! I like it, though. I love to read the Truth and have God point out what new areas of my life I can put my energies into changing. Well, letting Him into change that is. The Bible should never bore a person. It should always fascinate and awe them. It's written in such a way that we (if we're honest) are just laid bare before Him and we have a decision to make. Will we agree with God and change our minds (renew them, Paul would say) about things, about life, about the world, about ourselves? Or will we harden up because we don't want to admit that He's got some pretty serious and heavy things to talk to us about?

I was reminded of some things in this last chapter of 1 Timothy
- Theology and doctrine actually DO MATTER. They form, after all, the framework in which a Christian's life operates. Paul wants Timothy to pay close attention to false doctrines, to be careful of this and cling to the Truth of Jesus Christ above all else. There are dangerous effects of teaching false doctrines. He uses the word sound, or "healthy" instruction to describe the teaching he is to provide at the church of Ephesus. I think that is one thing I will always admire about Christ's church at Mars Hill. They deeply value the way one thinks, perceives, understands and talks about God. They care about theology. Because they know it may begin in the mind, but it unavoidably leaks out into all of life.
- God desires worshipers more than innovators. As humble servants, we should delight in thinking God's thoughts after Him rather than busy ourselves coming up with our own unique angles or perspectives. We are called to think in God's way, rather than the way of the world. Let us pray He would open our minds to understand just what that even means.
- $ is the loudspeaker that plays the tune of your heart. You will either use money or use God and people. Let us be the kind of people who use money to demonstrate our love for God and people rather than use people to obtain more money.
- We run away from something (sin) but more than that we run to something else (righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, gentleness).
- For Timothy it was: don't be lazy, don't be a heretic, be content, don't be greedy (v.1-10) What is it for you and me?
- Who do we honor when we make decisions? Is it God? Is it some person or ourselves?
- God is a good Father who gives us commands for our own good. Like "be willing to share" and "guard what has been entrusted to you"
- He also gives us the means by which to do this: GRACE be with you.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/1-timothy

My younger brother called me late to see how I was doing. I was not very good at all since just yesterday (well 1am last night) I became sick all of a sudden. Vomiting and diarrhea. Darn Elijah and his pooped self. I spent most of the day (well at least til 4pm) battling this gross predicament and sleeping. So when he called me I was a bit out of it. He was sorry that I was sick and hoped that I would get better soon. But then he mentioned something too terrible to even grasp. He even said it as if it were simply unfortunate rather than frighteningly serious. Something had happened with my older brother. He tried to kill himself? Jumping off a bridge in Ft. Myers? I don't remember anymore what he said. Or what my mom said when she called me a bit later. But apparently he is back in the V.A. hospital getting treated. Being medicated. Pulling back the demons that supposedly release themselves when he gets off of his medicine. This scares me because I don't understand it. I know he was in the war and it must have been very traumatic. Emotionally-devastating really for any young man to experience. And he doesn't want to ever talk about it or deal with it. I feel like the V.A. just feeds his denial and depression by simply prescribing some shot or pills as some kind of lasting solution to emotional trauma and pain. But it doesn't work. That shit never works. It just goes to show how tragic a war really is. Both for the physical casualties lost overseas and the emotional ones left here to suffer, almost in silence and neglect. It deeply pains me to not know what to do for my older brother. He is like a shell of a person I once knew. Gosh, just writing that down is hard. But it is the truth. He really is trapped inside a mind of turmoil and defeat. Loss, anguish, terror, fear, anger, pain, shock, I don't know the list could go on. It's like he is just existing. My younger brother doesn't know what to do for him. And my mom's answer is just to have the V.A. look after him. But that won't prevent him from relapsing and possibly trying to kill himself again. He has lost hope. Or perhaps he never really had any in the first place. This makes me sad because I know that there is a Hope for him if only he could see it. If only my whole family could see it. I am such a different person from who I used to be, and that is solely because of Jesus. I want my family to be freed and saved by the grace of God. I want them to meet Jesus for real and put their faith in Him. I wish we weren't so broken or disconnected from each other. I sometimes wonder if they ever will believe. It's a scary thought, one that leads me to pray. Pray for God's miraculous love and power to touch each of them personally. Pray for the Holy Spirit to embolden me to speak about the love of Christ with them. It's so hard. It's so much easier to just forget or ignore my family. But then something like this happens and I am again awakened to the reality that death is real, that there is an ultimate, eternal state for each of us. I want that state to be with Jesus for every person in my family. My older brother cannot kill himself because he has a heavenly Father who has never let him down, who has never stopped loving him and who alone has the right to take life from him. My prayer is that God would protect his life and call him to faith. That Jesus would expose the demons that plague his psyche and rescue him from them, like He did with those in the Scriptures. There is a spiritual battle that goes on inside the heads of countless veterans long after they return from battle in a war. My brother may still be enduring this and struggling with how to deal with what I know must be a terrifying (all the more so because he is yet blind to the realities of God and Satan) and paranoid delusion, but I trust that Jesus hears me when I cry out for Him to intervene and be with my brother there in the West Palm hospital or his Clewiston apartment. He is good. He is gracious. He is powerful. He is sovereign. He is a God that saves and is saving.

Leader as… Biodigester?

So, I spent my Saturday (4/16) morning and part of the afternoon observing a team of engineering students construct what is called an anaerobic biodigester. Weird, I know. I recently earned an undergraduate degree in Biology so I am a little familiar with the concept, but watching the art of engineering take place before my eyes was a completely new experience. According to the ever-so-scholarly website, Wikipedia

“Anaerobic digestion is a series of processes in which microorganisms break down biodegradable material in the absence of oxygen, used for industrial or domestic purposes to manage waste and/or to release energy.” I chose to observe Robbie and the small team of students build this in his backyard because in addition to sounding very fascinating, it also appeared to be something un-relatable to ministry, namely work among at-risk youth. There was a large, old pickle container (although a rain barrel would do fine) that was to become the biodigester. Using a variety of components such as PVC pipes, O-rings, ½ “ valves and ¼ “ adapters, this rudimentary schematic became a reality.

I learned that you have to be very precise with measurements in order to ensure air-tight fitting. Teflon tape came in handy with this. The reason is in the name – anaerobic – meaning “without oxygen.” Once that comes in, it compromises the whole process. The biodigester has three main components – the feed, the liquid outlet and the gas outlet. The feed is where waste gets dumped in (oils, fats, meats, other non-compostable materials). Robbie said that cat and dog poop would be their main initial waste sources. The liquid outlet is where liquid waste and bi-products would be allowed to exit from the container, and the gas outlet is essential in collecting the desired methane gas into another container, connected for that sole purpose. There is also an additional aspect that is not labeled because this design does not include a specific mechanism. It is the role of solid waste disposal, and here it would entail physically emptying the container by hand (nasty but necessary!) I took copious notes and could go into a lot of very geeky detail about the method and theory behind this, but the most important part of this assignment (and my favorite because it allows me to creatively think) is describing how this exercise – this highly scientific practice – could be juxtaposed with what we are learning about spiritual leadership.

I have decided to assign each component of the biodigester a spiritual counterpart. The feed and the gas outlet signify the dual roles of Christ-centered leadership. Good leaders understand their position as “the pipes” in this micro-world of biodigestion. I like to think of their first role (represented by the feed) as basically leading people’s crap to Jesus. They understand that people have waste, baggage, sin, and brokenness that need not be dumped into a landfill of denial or temporary fix. There is in fact a spiritual process available to break apart our filth and transform it into something completely different, new, valuable and truly alive. Good leaders are able to see that the poo and rotting garbage which covers a person can actually be spiritually digested and redeemed. For the youth ministry context, that may mean a troubled kid who acts out or shows some outward sign of being beyond hope of change. However, leaders know that there is hope and a way to see the impossible happen; for that smelly darkness inside each of us to be undone and remade by the loving hands of Jesus. In this digester model He is the sludge, the great decomposing and transforming powerhouse, as it were.

The sludge is a quintessential feature of the biodigester, without it there would be no activity at all. I was informed that the right makeup of this sludge is crucial. They are to be anaerobes, specifically methanogens, that both kill pathogens and break down the waste into useful materials like methane. It really is quite amazing how these superbugs are designed and how they can be constructively employed as agents of remarkable conversion. Jesus is our ultimate converter, when we yield our gross condition to Him to be miraculously changed for His glory. It is not a quick or simple process. It can be very messy and mysterious, as we do not have the ability to see this microbial activity at work. But we trust that it is happening, much like we trust that Jesus’ invisible power is having effect on the lives of those we lead into the feeding tube toward Him…

The liquid outlet and unseen solid waste disposer remind me of the role that the Holy Spirit plays in the lives of believers. These rid the biodigester of the bi-products created after the decomposition of the waste. It is necessary to have a regular cleaning out of the machine in order to ensure adequate and optimal functioning. As leaders, we must allow the Spirit to do its work in us, regularly opening the outlet to release the grime that has built up in us over time. As people who are being sanctified by the Spirit, we are better enabled to lead with integrity, mercy, vulnerability, transparency  and humility.

The last element (alluded to above), the gas outlet, represents the second important role of a spiritual leader. Anaerobic digestion involves waste entering through the feed, mixing with the powerful bacteria contained within the liquid sludge, breakdown of that waste by those essential methanogens and by-product waste being produced in the process. But something central to all of this is missing, the reason for doing it in the first place has been saved for last. There is a reward and desired end that results from this complex process – a biogas, composed of methane and carbon dioxide. Among other things, this can be used directly as cooking fuel or lighting in gas lamps. A good leader is someone whose life and leadership has borne fruit in the world. If the waste represents a person who has yet to experience the incredible life-altering power and love of Jesus, then the biogas is this unbelievable fruit of transformation and testimony. Jesus has changed their “crap” literally into the warmth and light of the world much like this seemingly unrelated biodigester has done to the crap thrown into it. We as leaders get the privilege to encourage people to enter this process and then joyfully witness what happens as a result from the amazing God who ultimately has his hand over it all. 

Tabitha and the kittens have disappeared!

I checked on them this morning and they were gone. They couldn't be very far, though. We suspect she moved them underneath the house next door. I hope they emerge again soon, I want to keep monitoring their growth and pet their tiny little bodies :(

Ex-communication

God, would you compel us to be honest. With each other and with ourselves. Give us the wisdom and grace to call community members out in love, and to humbly receive admonition ourselves. Nudge our hearts to courageously follow you in this way. Jesus, you have set us apart as your beloved. Remind us of who we are and who you have called us to be.

Baby teeth, shaky crawling, socializing & the human condition...

It's actually pretty fun to check in on the kittens each day to see their new stages of progress. I wish they could stay precious and little forever, but every day they are getting bigger, more cat-like (and less rat or opossum-like) and more alive. Like today, I spent at least 15 minutes with my eyes glued to them while Tabitha ate the food I put out for her. They are moving a whole lot more now than they had before. Simon is even behaving more like John Fernandez, with all its turning and attempts to crawl around on wobbly legs. It is seriously hilarious to watch. Their eyes are more open, as they constantly look around at all the foreign things nearby their little cubby hole home inside the shed. I frequently find Tobias on his back, playfully pawing the air with his unretracted claws. It's so adorable. I'm reminded of what Brian discussed last night in leadership class... how something small, yet new and amazing, can inspire him and remind him of this God who is so much larger and greater than understood to be before. I look at Tabitha eat and her kittens squirm about, and I'm reminded that God designed all of this. He thought of the idea to include cats in the natural world. He came up with the developmental pattern they would follow. He formed the mother-baby bond between them, perhaps as a way to show us humans that this bond is so strong and right that even critters adhere to it instinctually. I even meditated on the fact that Tabitha is basically all alone in raising her kittens (she doesn't even need our help really) because I guess the natural order dictates her to be. There is no "father" in the picture. His job and purpose is done. He moves on to impregnate the next female cat he can get his claws on. It made me sadly laugh at how unnaturally similar that is to human males. See, people are supposed to be different. God made us in his image and gave us institutions that are intended to shape our relationship with others. We are special to him in this way, as evidenced by his greater effort to provide for us and teach us. God gave us the gift of marriage to safeguard the virginity and dignity of women and place upon men the mantle of self-control and righteous character. But we reject this time and again, as lust grips our heart and rebellion grows from the seed of sin within us.

Like for instance, the girls' mentor group I lead has brought out some painful stories of sexual abuse, assault and victimization. This kind of traumatic experience is horrible in and of itself, but then coupled with the fact that these girls are only in middle school it seems even more monstrously unjust and depressing. I believe more and more every day that the only hope women have for a different life is for men to be transformed by Jesus. That's why I'm not so gung-ho anymore for programs that target "at-risk" women, teaching them skills or parenting tips or some other social tool. That's great, don't get me wrong, but it's severely inadequate to actually change anything for them. Because how does that prevent their husband from beating them? Or their boyfriend from sexually assaulting them at knife-point? Or their 15-year-old uncle from sneaking into their room to rape their 11-year-old sister? Brian is right... we need to be leaders who speak to the hearts of people, calling them to change and see the greater picture that there is a God who exists, who cares and who loves them. Both the vulnerable, victimized women and the violent, terrorizing men. I don't know how God paradoxically loves both the oppressed and the oppressor, but he does so beautifully and powerfully. And his ambassadors in the world are called to be the same way, swiftly reaching out to the hurting with unparalleled compassion and to the attacker with inconceivable grace. The image of a double-edged sword that lands with justice and grace becomes a reality in these moments of pain and suffering. The God of the Bible is big enough to embrace both sides (in different ways) to redeem and restore. I see a plethora of programs and organizations to assist and counsel abused women, but to stop there is to show people only half of the gospel. What about the men? Where is the calling out for genuine repentance and conviction straight to the heart? Society's answer is to put them in jail. Yet even that fails, time and time and time again. A guy rapes a girl (like the example mentioned above) and IF he is reported and arrested, more often than not he is let out in less than a month. Apparently our society doesn't even think sexually assaulting a young woman (a child for crying out loud!) is that terrible or deserving of punishment. And even if a man is kept locked up, what does that do for his soul? He doesn't sit there and think about what he's done as if he were a 3-year-old put in time out. He doesn't all of a sudden have a change of heart and feel deep remorse for what he's done simply because he's been given some time to meditate on it. Sure, there are some who may fall into this category, but I highly doubt that is the norm. More frequently, I imagine, the guy fosters bitterness in his heart for being caught and having to serve time. He may even want revenge. He doesn't obtain a heart of flesh that suddenly respects women and desires to treat them as God would have them be treated. No, jail is no lasting solution at all (assuming offenders even get in there in the first place). It is good in that it keeps these violent and perverted men off the streets to assault, rape or molest again, but that's basically it. What we need is godly men who love Jesus and want to obey him to share this alternate way of living and being with other men who they know and meet. That really is the only lasting solution that we as followers of Christ can offer to women and to male offenders. And it doesn't even have to be that extreme, of men raping women. I'm sure we don't run into that situation as often as statistics would indicate we should. In Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership it mentioned how one's dark side develops and how it can negatively influence a person's life if left unrecognized and unchecked. It also made the assertion that every person has a unique dark side that affects them. Men are no different. A combination of childhood experiences and traumas have in some degree led them to be the way they are and act the way they do. Men are taught to be womanizers, objectifying and dominating women, and most of the time this is so subtle that men often say, "That's not true, I'm not a sexist." Right, and no one is ever a racist either. It's usually not blatant, but it is obviously there. If you are a woman, and especially if you are a woman of God who has had her eyes open to the realities of the evils that plague females, it is as clear as day. I want for this clarity and discernment to touch the lives of men more fully and powerfully so that Christ's kingdom can reign both tangibly in the lives of women and internally in the lives of men.

These are the kinds of things that staring at a delightful set of kittens with their mom can cause me to contemplate. Like Jimmy mentioned last night (about professional bowlers), there is always more than meets the eye. There are connections and insights to be gained from combining a first-grader mind-set with a good leader's ability to integrate seemingly unrelated truths or concepts. I love it. And by God's grace I hope it continues :)

Pepper joins the others :)

I wonder what color his eyes will turn after a few weeks. Apparently, all kittens' eyes are blue at first. You can see that here.

http://cats.about.com/cs/kittencare/a/tracksixweek.htm

Tobias beats Pepper

Little Tobias opened his eyes today. We are now just waiting for the gray kitty, Pepper, to open his :) They are too cute! It's funny how kittens are born both blind and deaf. That is such a strange existence. For 10-14 days they must squirm around in darkness and silence, relying only upon their sense of touch. They cannot see the mother whom they nurse from or hear the cute meows coming from their own mouths.

http://cats.about.com/cs/kittencare/a/tracksixweek.htm

They once were blind, but now they see!

John Fernandez Simon

Leader as First Grader

I think that one of the best images for leadership so far has been this image of the first grader. It isn’t something that you would intuitively come up with like slave to the master or weaver of multiple dreams. Sometimes it is easy to think of a leader as the person who “has it all figured out,” not really needing the thirst for knowledge that a first grader exemplifies. I have personally been driven by a constant desire to know more and learn as much as I can in a variety of areas, but I had never connected this to leadership. It is true, though, that good leaders are people who are filled with wonder at all that can be known, hope in the opportunity to learn at least some of it, and humility in regards to their sure inability to ever know it all. The more books I read, the more classes I take, the more workshops and seminars I attend all have this effect on me at some point: realization that God’s creation is a fascinatingly intriguing place, and I have not even scratched the surface of knowing Him or it. The assertion that “a 6-year-old child has the greatest expression of strength as a learner” is quite profound. Who would have thought? I want to have that same attitude of excitement that the first grader has each time I learn something new from my time in the Word. It is so easy for us to approach Scripture with an air of “I know this” or a situation with the mindset of “I got this,” and completely miss the intention that God has for us in those moments. Spiritual leaders must be aware of their tendency toward pride and accept the truth that knowledge puffs up while love of God builds up not only them, but those they lead. He gives them the wisdom to lead well. When we recognize that someone always knows better than we do, namely Jesus, then there is a sense of humility and openness to learn from others that is instilled in us as servant-leaders. As much as I think I know, this sensitivity and awareness of self has been very important in helping to lead the Walk. Because really, what do I know about middle school life and effective ministry strategies? I am only 23 and already I’ve forgotten those days of my youth. Plus I’ve only been seriously following Jesus since the summer of 2008. As a result, I have had to metaphorically become a sponge and soak up the knowledge of strong leaders who have experience and wisdom I do not yet possess. I understand why God purposely chooses the leaders he does, ones who do not fit the leadership mold of the world, because their inexperience and naivety necessitate reliance upon Him. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time, but apparently somebody (God) does because kids are loved and growing in their relationship with Jesus.

I like how the first grader is in the best stage of their learning career. There is no sense of inadequacy or competition with fellow classmates. They simply enjoy one amazing discovery after another and look forward to the next day’s intellectual surprises. There is no end to their wonder, awe and amazement. What happened to us? Where is our free delight and inner joy of learning? Forget the private middle school, IB high school and 4+ years of college. Apparently it was the 2nd grade that began to knock the daylights out of my innocent love of knowledge. Yikes. I am thankful to have had this passion reignited in my soul and been placed back on a path that seeks to lead in the name of Christ by submitting to him as Master and Teacher. In a previous blog I admitted to being the type of person who shies away from leadership, probably due to a level of insecurity and lack of confidence. What I’m learning from Jesus, though, is the great potential that learners have to become leaders because of their ability to integrate all the different elements that they have learned. This is such good news because it opens up the spiritual leadership arena to the kinds of people that God uses best in accomplishing his purposes on earth. They are humble in their knowledge of what little they actually know, and yet they are wise in making connections between the things that God has graciously opened their minds to see and understand. We need leaders who will listen to the counsel and ideas of others because other people may know things that they themselves do not know (ie: other solutions), and who use their knowledge to discern more godly and effective ways to lead His people. God forbid the day I ever think that I have arrived in my discipleship or accomplished something in my ministry. Rather, I hope to unlearn a few things in order to return to that first grade outlook.

Since last class I have discovered my dark side of leadership – evidently I am a passive-aggressive leader and it has “significant negative influence.” That’s a bit troubling, but I find solace in the fact that Jonah was just as messed up and somehow God used that guy. At the very least, I have learned something (well, this was actually more like a confirmation of what I already suspected). How to overcome this dark side… now that is likely to be a very challenging learning process and experience.

thoughts on community

To me, the process of building community (in the context of intentional community) is much like the process of eldership. It is officially named after it has actually already begun. A person is chosen by God to be a leader in the church, to oversee a ministry and to live in a godly way that is above reproach. They conduct themselves in this manner for at least a year or so, obeying the call on their life to be a submitted servant-leader. The laying on of hands to announce to the whole Body that these members are in fact elders serves as a kind of confirmation/affirmation rather than as a start of something new. We as the Church are simply saying, "Yes, I agree" when elders are selected for public recognition. We know these people, we have witnessed their dedication to their mission and their tremendous love for Jesus. We accept it as truth that God had ordained them long ago and that they are His agents of transformative change.

In a similar way, I believe that authentic Christian community will be birthed from a call on certain individuals' lives that are purposefully weaved together by the Father. It all rests in the hands of God as to whether community will actually happen or not. Humans cannot set a goal, call it "community", and then chase after it as though that were the highest value. They must truly lay themselves at the feet of Jesus and set their eyes on Him because He is the Most High. We should aspire to be sold-out Christians who are following His plan for our lives, no matter the cost. When individuals walk with Him, step by step, not always knowing what to expect or to do, then the seed of community with other such believers is possible. Intentional community is not only living with people who love Jesus, but also committing to building fellowship with one another and a sense of mission into the world around them. It is something that develops very slowly, but like a house built on a good foundation, it lasts. Meaningful relationships are established, members are encouraged and edified, prayer and communion with God is central and reaching out to the various groups to which they are called is crucial. So, like an elder, not just anyone can jump into this and accomplish it on their own. They must give up the "self" and accept His call (in this case to community living). Then after a long period of time, where proven dedication to one another and devotion to the Lord has been demonstrated among a group of people, only then, could they be genuinely acknowledged as a community. I want that and I trust that the Grand Weaver is somehow working this into my life. He is preparing me for what will one day be a life in beautiful community, solely existing to love his people and to give him glory.

It was inevitable...

Tabitha birthed forth baby kitties last night. What an experience! The female body, be it human or animal, is indeed an incredible piece of art... and artillery. I don't know what I shall name the newest member yet. The precious little dumpling who came out hours later than the other three and who we all were hoping existed. Hmmm... I need to think about this further. What would be a good name for this little patchy colored creature?

"But even the bitterest of waters turned into sweet water when a piece of wood was placed in it (see Exodus 15:22-25). In the same way, allowing the cross to enter into our suffering can turn it into sweet fellowship with our Lord." - from Discouragement: reasons and answers by K.P. Yohannan

Dang, that is DEEP.