Slowing Down to Take a Breath

Ok, that's it. You officially have my attention. I'm all ears. I am exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling too frustrated and miserable to fight it any longer. Why do I keep resisting anyway? What the heck is wrong with me?!??!! God, I'd really like to know. It's the same gosh dang words out of my mouth over and over and over again. Time is my enemy, management is my tragic flaw. When was it that I decided I could handle everything on my own? I am laughing right now at this whole situation. Irony never escapes me, and if it tried to, I'd chase it for miles. I'm realizing just now to let go. Isn't that stupid? Could I be any slower? My mind IS filled up with nonsense. With pointless worries. What happened to the Jessica that said "good riddens!" to worries? I can actually remember the kind of peace I felt before. Is it really this time of year that has such an effect on me? I know all motivation and shread of concern checked out of the building weeks if not months ago. But why? I cannot be left alone with myself; this is entirely distressing. Being perpetually distressed and distraught is so draining! And ridiculous! Why can't I just chill? I thought I could. But no, always thinking, always worrying about something. Please, someone, press my STOP button! God, I do need a breath, a moment to slow the frick down. I feel as if I've been running an endless marathon without so much as a sip of water. It's like I've reached the 5 mi marker and totally forgotten why I'm even running or how long the race is.

It has seriously gotten to that point. Like I vented to Jeremy last week, "Why am I even here?!" Becoming a college student made perfect sense four years ago, when I actually cared about my education, loved academia, adored my teachers, and dreamed about the abstract future full of possibilities. Now what? I wish I could still attest to those feelings of contentment and joy even in the midst of constant assignments, papers, exams, the usual. Somewhere along the way I've lost that sense of joy, that love of learning....even for learning's sake. Maybe that's just the nature of things. High school is fun, relatively low-stress and college is a major pain in the ass. I don't mean all of the collegiate experience, just the whole going to class and figuring out why the F you're even there part. I remember being excited about biology. About science in general. About writing and reading. Call me a nerd, but I loved it all. I was interested in everything. I wanted to know everything there was to know, to learn everything I could possibly learn. And I was excited about it. Seemingly prepared for it, even. But now? Where is that passion and drive? I think the best term to describe my present feelings about college is "apathetically trapped". I don't want to be here anymore, and yet two years of unfinished classes have my hands tied. I feel like a prisoner of the university, and the worst part is I don't even care anymore. I don't know how to get freed from it, and even if I did where else would I go? God, how I miss being a lively rebel with a vision (albeit a little misguided)....

But you know what? Jesus has this way of stamping out pessimistic attitudes such as these. Attitudes I shamefully cannot shake off no matter how hard I try. Maybe that is the problem. I am trying to do this all by myself. I just cannot bring myself to relinquish that control, or sense of control as it were. But thank God for those people in my life who are calling me out on this. Who are acknowledging my independent will, while at the same time reminding me to consider His will. And I think that's where I get lost. I seem to repeatedly follow my own, allowing distractions and excuses to block his voice from reaching my ears. Man, I thought 17-year-old was annoying. He cannot compare to the way I drive myself nuts with all this fickle triviality! Jesus, save me from myself. Again. Please.

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience"

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful."

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."

"but let us encourage one another"

Lord, let this be my prayer to you. That my heart would be honest, raw, true, genuine, pure and sincere as I approach you. Withholding nothing. Strenghten this weak faith of mine, Jesus, as I feel the ground slipping out from under me. Ground I thought was perfectly solid and safe. Convict this heart of mine once again, so that I would persevere through in your name and never falter, for I know you are with me always. You are my complete hope and joy; you give me purpose and eternal happiness. Forgive me for ever doubting your constant love and provision. I've been such a fool....Father, lift me up yet another time. God, why do I keep falling? And how can you continue smiling even as I mess up and fail? You truly are amazing in every way imaginable and unimaginable. I'd be so lucky to love someone the way you love me. Thank you, Jesus.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross"

"so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

"because the Lord disciplines those he loves"

"God disciplines us for our own good, that we may share in his holiness"

"it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Jesus, how you blow me away! For the JOY set before you, you endured the CROSS! God, your love is of a depth I could never reach, of a kind I could never quite grasp. How I am humbled by your Word, your sacrifice. And embarrassed by my own empty ones. Lord, you are my favorite author, there is no one to match you in all of space and time! How I wish my eyes would never stray from yours, Jesus. You are so beautiful, I am left blinded and awed. I can feel my weariness and weakness melt away in your presence. You are all I need. I praise you for who you are God, for teaching me even when I refuse to listen. For pursuing me and blessing my life in ways I am witnessing even now. Jesus, if pain and patience is what I need to be perfected as your disciple, so be it. My soul aches to share in life that is truly Life. To suffer, die, and resurrect along side of you, holy and righteous King! Amen.

Where Dreaming Meets Waking

Waking up in a pool of sweat once again
Mind completely alert and somewhat dazed
As eyes blink from dream world to real
Consciousness’s return ushered by
The torso’s upright jerk and single bewildering thought
Lingering from that now faded and forgotten dream,
“Importance of having a partner”
…….what??
Inclination’s habit to disregard the sleeping mind
Collides with personality’s obsession to draw
Connections and find meaning
What is with coincidence lately?
In Hearing God, I read of dreams and visions as from you
In Lame Deer, indigenous beliefs are eerily similar
In Life After Church just the other day, at a time when
I felt particularly overwhelmed and overcrowded
Desire to withdraw strengthened once more
Only to be met with these lines:
In community you depend on, are challenged by and receive from God
In a way you can’t anywhere else. It’s an avenue of grace for us;
Don’t block that avenue by failing to pursue community.
Indeed, He knows all your thoughts and your reasons for doing things
And doesn’t seem to hide this insider’s knowledge
Perhaps the forty minutes of apologetics debating
That guided this drifter into coma land
Has some explaining
Or maybe this elusive essay that preoccupies the mind
Bears insight into that phrase in line seven
Not even an hour since waking, phone ringing
Another small crush placed under the lighting
Seriously??
1. of all days, today?
2. of all people, this one?
If I didn’t know any better

Or that you were undoubtedly all good
I’d say this is an unfunny bad joke on your part
What happened to the days of carefree contentment?
Of singleness and almost feministic freedom?
Why?
Why the change?
Why these circumstance?
You, my friend, have so much explaining
And these furrowed eyebrows of mine,
These uneasy laughs need some relief
I know my ears can be hard of hearing
My eyes lost their competency long ago
This idea of patience won’t die
And I’m at a loss for what to do, what to think anymore
But I’m open and I’m asking
And I’ll be waiting
Waiting…
Waiting…

Pretenses Exposed

Let me be honest with you. I am thoroughly bewildered and shocked as I stand here with my arrogance completely knocked. God, you floor me. Every. time. I am baffled by the ways you choose to tear down my poor-built walls and altogether absurd attempts to shut you out from this wreck of a shack I'd prefer to call home. God, again, you amaze me. Every. time. I'd really like to know what a face-to-face conversation would be like with you. Because to see the invisible workings being done in my life would flat out PALE in comparison to meeting you, hearing you from only centimeters away. Lord, I dream of that day often. God, I desire so BADLY to know what is inside that spotless mind of yours. For then I might recognize what is lacking in mine. And Lord you know that there are more sharp edges in a circle than there are coherent synapsies in my brain. God, you inspire me. Every. time.

God, where I am the blatant contradiction, you alone are the enigmatic paradox, the fleeting thought JUST beyond the grasp of our minds; that dropped pen cap on the floor JUST outside the reach of our sneaker. Sometimes I'll think about you as if you were a crossword puzzle to be filled in with compatible answers coalescing from multiple directions....41 across matching 22 down.....like if you didn't make complete, albeit rather artificial, sense to me at all times or at least in times I most needed to comprehend, all bets were off. But man, do you slap those foolish thoughts clear outta my head. God, you make sense out of me. Every. time. You give me inspiration in the shower; upon waking I feel empowered. My faith refreshed anew, my identity rooted, hidden in you. Jesus, you define me. Every. time.

You know what I find so incredible? Prolonged fortitude in this fight. Where my thoughts tend to wander, where the driver of this unreliable mind steers off course, you generously bestow strength, restore sight, and straighten twisted paths of fatal distraction. I don't know what to make of this unconditional love. My own capabilities once played the standard, and boy were they quite the actors. Suggesting the truth while concealing it. God, you are just so gracious. So unbelievably patient with my stubborn, strong-willed ignorance. Negligence. Obstinance. Illusory independence. Oh Jesus, how you awe me. Every. time. Longing of my heart to know, to be shown in perfect clarity is checked almost daily. Preparing, preparing, preparing. Flustered by the no end in sight, you have this way of turning me upright. Unblurring my vision I didn't even know needed correction. Your Spirit is my eternal set of contact lenses, adjusting once more the focus of this lamp of the body. A body that has been aching for fullness of light. For that plug to be snapped back in, and BOOM spontaneous unleashing of energy. Lamp aglow, life turned on! Holy Spirit, you illuminate and animate me. Every. time.

Once more, God, you revive me. Rescued and saved, my life has never been the same. You've exposed these pretenses of mine and burned them alive inside of me. Swept the ashes away with a single, gentle touch. Replaced them with your own unextinguishable fire, and Jesus, you'd think that'd be enough. But what an incomplete thought to say there is no complementary part desired from me. Lord, you set my heart ablaze, trusting I can keep it tenable in your name. I may be the pages you fill with words, but that is not all. I am a puppet made real. Curiously passive when written with meaning, yet fully active when strings are loosened and cut, when freedom is no longer held captive, locked up. God, how you liberate this self-conflicted soul of mine. Every. time. Jesus, if you are the inhaling breath, the author of life, let me be your exhale and a chapter in your unfolding narrative. I want to talk to you with such unconscious ease, as if our constant dialogue were synonymous to my heart's beat. The aroma of Christ and the fragrance of life I could not fathom such an honor bestowed upon me. Lord, your river of relevant metaphors leaves me soaked with stupefaction. I am drowned in your love and dried with your grace just about Every. single. time.