The first bite of my lunch stuck in my throat as soon as she started crying. A friend and I had just sat down for a meal and a catch-up session after being out of touch for a few months. She shrugged and stared down at her burrito as the tears continued. “I’ve given it everything I can ... two years of my life. And now he’s just not returning my calls or texts. I can’t believe this is happening.” As we talked about her failed relationship, I found myself reflecting on a question I’ve pondered for months: What is the one thing every relationship—friendship, dating, marriage—must have to be healthy?
When I asked my friend this question, she said communication. I ask others, and they say humility or honesty or Jesus.
But I think there’s something even more important than any of that. It’s the one thing that Jesus needs from you. It’s the one thing your relationships need from you. By the end of our lunch, my friend and I both knew this mysterious factor was exactly what her boyfriend was lacking: The desire to grow.
I’m guessing that sounds obvious, even stupid, to you. Everyone wants to grow, right? Perhaps in theory, but in reality, many people don’t want to do the work that growth requires. Friendships, working relationships and marriages all eventually turn toxic if both parties aren’t committed to growth. Think about people who’ve bugged you to no end, the ones who are “close-minded” or “stuck in their ways” or “control freaks.” At the end of the day, isn’t the heart of our complaint the fact that these people won’t change, won’t flex, won’t grow?
As a marriage counselor, I see this hurdle when a husband or wife simple won’t show up for sessions. Nothing says “I refuse to grow” like that! And yet, how often are we guilty of the same thing in being physically present in our relationships, yet refusing to show up mentally or emotionally.
So, do you really want to grow? Ask yourself these questions:
1) When is the last time you listened to a friend admonish you, and then went and did something about it?
2) Are you intentional about meeting personal goals or do you simply drift day-to-day?3) If you asked a close friend or family member what they’ve observed in you the past few months, for better or for worse, what would they say?
Growth and the Gospel
In Matthew 19, a young guy comes to Jesus to ask about the good life, and Jesus’ response illustrates how serious He is about our growth. After Jesus covered all of the basics—follow the 10 commandments, love your neighbors—the young man says he’s committed himself to these things. It’s clear that he understands and lives God’s way, and wants to go even deeper. So, then he asks Jesus about his wealth. But when Jesus tells him to give up his money and follow Him, to grow even closer in relationship, the young man chooses the status quo. He chooses comfort, instead of challenge-provoked growth of character and faith.He walks away from the most important relationship in his life because he wasn’t willing to give up the luxuries that were preventing him from growing in his faith.
THERE IS NO ROOM FOR PASSIVITY IN RELATIONSHIPS DEFINED BY GROWTH.
Paul admonishes the church at Ephesus to “grow up into” Jesus, who is the head of the church. And how do we do that? By “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) to one another, by growing up in our salvation (1 Peter 2:2). Growing up looks like more devotion to Jesus, more humility, more honesty, more courage to do the right thing and more mercy when things go wrong. These are Christ qualities, and they are also the qualities that create people who love each other in healthy, honoring ways.
The "It" Factor at Work
A healthy relationship is composed of two people who are humble and honest enough with one another to allow growth to occur, which often means admitting mistakes and working through the hard stuff. There is no room for passivity in relationships defined by growth.
So, what is humility, really? Humility is not a self-hating, insecure abasement of oneself, but a healthy understanding of your weakness rooted in a healthy understanding of God’s strength. Humility actually takes confidence—confidence to believe you are worth loving even when you are flawed, and courage to believe that God can change even the most stubborn personality traits.
A good relationship also takes honesty. Honesty isn’t about cold-hearted critique. It’s about loving someone—not out of selfish motive or self-protection, but out of a genuine desire to see them thrive in life. Real honesty also requires courage, because being honest with ourselves and with others is vulnerable.
An Active Decision
In my married life, I’ve found that when I just “let it be,” choosing a passive stance over an active one, humility and honesty never thrive. Instead, I fill the lack of communication with a negative, prideful explanation for our struggles. When this happens, not only are my husband and I not communicating honestly with each other, but I communicate for him—and I’m often wrong. Choosing growth means choosing honest over easy every single time.
Outside of a family or marriage, my single friends are working hard to figure out what it looks like to be in healthy friendships. And my friends are also discovering that when either themselves or their friends lean toward passivity, the friendship wanes.
Everyone wants healthy relationships. But the real question is: Are you willing to do what it takes to thrive in friendship, working relationships, in marriage? Whatever relationship you are in, the choice to change and grow is in your hands.
I think the question of whether we really want to personally grow within a relationship is a very penetrating one to ask. It certainly makes me stop and assess the internal situation of my own heart. I am engaged and a little over two months away from marriage. I've gone through personal counseling and just recently finished premarital counseling with my fiance only a few days ago. We discussed many topics about marriage this last month and a half, including communication, finances, sex, emotional "deposits" and "withdrawals" to name a few. And I think amidst all these conversations about married life, one could say that a desire to grow - to be challenged to become more like Jesus - is at the heart of the matter. Consider communication, for example. A desire to communicate better is really a desire to have each person understand the thoughts, feelings, concerns, perspective, and heart of the other. And I believe that's one aspect of spiritual growth and maturity. As a disciple "grows up" in Christ, they become more and more interested in the needs and cares of other people. They become more patient and are willing to listen to the ideas, passions, griefs and hardships of others. And when both people in a relationship are on this same path to maturity, something rather strange and wonderful happens. They find themselves listening to each other, putting the needs of the other before their own, and they discover that their communication troubles have waned quite a bit. When Jesus is placed at the center and there is a firm commitment to be stretched for His name's sake, then there is very little stopping a couple from enjoying the healthy, godly relationship God desires them to have.
This "desire to grow" is certainly something that I have been struggling with lately. I definitely want to grow closer to Jesus and obey the commands that he gives me. I know that he wishes to do work on my tendency to reject authority and challenge. And in many ways he has already done a whole lot. But I know that he is not done in that area, which makes me both uncomfortable and a little scared. It makes me feel this way because I know that there is much more pain to be endured. It is part of his sanctification and purification of me. There are still habits, mindsets, selfish motives, prejudices, pride and other sinful aspects left that need to be cleared out. I can tell that he still wants me to open up and be vulnerable with people so that they can speak into my life, admonish me, encourage me and simply let me know how they think I am doing outwardly. I lack these kinds of trusted voices, but I am going to place my faith in God to bring them near and let me know who they are.
I really like how the author defines and discusses humility and honesty. Humility actually takes confidence - confidence to believe you are worth loving even when you are flawed, and courage to believe that God can change even the most stubborn personality traits. As I have come to learn more and more about what true humility is, I have felt comforted by Jesus when before I felt mostly insecure and self-pity. It is liberating to know that the seemingly paradoxical truth that God loves his flawed creation. God loves me despite my sin and failed efforts to change myself. I recognize even more how it is only He who can change my defective nature and most stubborn personality flaws. And this is great news because I have too many that it would overwhelm me if I was solely responsible for their eradication. Take just one example, my tongue. James describes it with these words: "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." Holy crap, that is harsh! I need the humility to see this in myself and the confidence to lay it at the feet of Jesus, knowing that He can and will change me if I desperately and genuinely call upon his name.
Honesty isn’t about cold-hearted critique. It’s about loving someone—not out of selfish motive or self-protection, but out of a genuine desire to see them thrive in life. This way of putting it is almost a critique of how I go about my honesty most of the time. And I've heard God tell me so. He wishes to see me speak truth in love, not simply speak truth. I'm making changes, slowly as it may seem, I am. My prayer to God is for him to replace my heart of stone with one of flesh, both for my own sake and for the sake of those I speak truth to. I ask God for a doubt-free mind, a gentle tone and a softened heart. I remember praying these very words the night Mara, Natalia and myself met up to see Kandace the Monday night before my trip to Central America. He is answering my prayer, I know it. Just going to work and facing the incitements there all day is a test to my tongue and proclivity to give punishment rather than mercy. Jesus has helped me in the workplace, though. His Spirit is working on my spirit, and giving me the strength I need in moments of weakness. It may sound juvenile, but withholding that cutting remark or sarcastic jab back, really is a step of growth for me. There are obviously times when I fail again, like just yesterday when an 18-year-old kid "tried" me (in the lingo of my students). The irritated me resurfaces, with her harsh tone and desire to punish. "I will not be disrespected like that" she'll say. The advice of his teacher to me was surprisingly on point when he said, "Just write him up and forget about it," because my mind goes to resentment and lingering judgment, which is clearly unhealthy and not very Christ-like. I can tell that Jesus is asking me to be more loving in thought and deed, and to have his heart - a genuine desire to see people thrive in life - rather than a heart that condemns when they do wrong. It reminds me of how God restrains his wrath when he finds a man who is righteous and faithful. I should give second chances because He gave us a second chance to escape death and condemnation. For the multitude of kids who are disobedient and a thorn in my side, I must be mindful of the few who make my job worthwhile and who should not be lumped together with the rest. My attitude should be shaped by Jesus and maintained for the benefit of these kids. The ones who test me should not cause me to falter because my roots are connected so securely to my God that they cannot come undone. Those moments of stress are also opportunities for me to rely on Jesus. He is strong when I am weak. God is calling me to true humility and true honesty.
